Just a little love

Because we all could use a bit more.

via A Cup of Jo

A Joy to Behold

One week ago yesterday, my grandfather passed away.  Laying in a hospital bed in his home, surrounded by his wife, three of his daughters, myself and his beloved yellow labs, he went to the sound of our laughter over a classic Craig family story involving a bear, marshmallows, and my grandfather's rowing oars.  He was peaceful and in no more pain, and I feel certain that he heard our laughter and was aware we were going to be fine, realizing he could let go.

The past week has been a bit chaotic and hazy.  After he died, I drove back home to Seattle to retrieve more clothes and Joshua, and having spent a day touring our favorite spots in this city, headed back to my parent's home to start with the preparations.  We were assigned the task of scanning photos for a slide show to be played at the wake.  Sifting through these permanent memories was bittersweet; seeing him at the height of his health, an invincible man of sport and science often times deepened the pain of my most current recollection of him.  Laying in his bed, frail and yellowish tinted from organ failure, my grandfather did not altogether resemble the man I knew before.  I am now having a difficult time getting this image of him out of my head.  

It feels as if I have never quite dealt with death before.  My father's mother died when I was in 9th grade, but somehow I wasn't entirely cognizant of the loss.  I find myself being affected by the smallest and strangest things these days; the mention of my grandfather's apple dutch baby recipe released waves of emotion I had little control over.  I just don't know how to handle this grief.  At my parent's home, I was committed to restraining my emotions as much as possible, for the sake of my grandmother and younger cousins who need that support.  But now, back in Seattle, I find little ambition to do much of anything.  Work seems unbearable, but certainly necessary, and when I catch myself laughing I feel like a fraud. 

 I have to believe that this will get easier.  For now, I am losing myself in the lyricism of Updike and the excitement of future projects and plans.   My grandfather was a very accomplished man, a man of principle and ethics, and I suppose now it is my time to do something I know would make him proud.  We were very different individuals, from passions to politics, but we loved each other immensely and always enjoyed the other's company.  So, I suppose I will close in the same way my mother found fit in her eulogy, paraphrasing a Keat's poem that my grandfather loved to quote.  I keep repeating this words in my head, unable to find a more sincere way to remember him.  My grandfather's life was "a thing of beauty, and a joy to behold, and everyday in our memories its beauty will grow more and more." 

Camera crazy!

About two months ago, Joshua and I became the proud owners of a Canon Rebel XS.  It's black, sleek, and absolutely beautiful.  Not to mention, the pictures it delivers give all my former point-and-shoot cameras a serious run for their money.  I always approach it with delicacy, gingerly picking up the base and being sure to never hold it by the lens.  You see, I do not have a good track record with cameras and miscellaneous electronic items.  I have gone through roughly 4 cameras in the past 3 years, all which met their demise on drunken nights or simply at my clumsy, clumsy hands.  So Joshua is rightfully cautious when watching me use this camera, and I have been told if I ever drop it... well, I just don't want to do that.

Jane's brain circa 1995: Clearly not meant for technology

All this being said, I am having so much fun with it!   I have taken so many pictures of Crumb, you would think she was our first born child (I've always heard that new parents take more photographs of their first baby than any subsequent children, and if that is truly the case, at least we have all those precious moments of Crumb sleeping in various positions/places documented for all time).  We've experimented with different shutter speeds and F stops, and I am only a little bit confused about what that actually means.  

Last weekend was the first time Joshua and I had two days off together in a row in approximately 5  months, so we celebrated in style.  We were tipsy by 9:30 off our champagne and P.O.G concoctions (at the suggestion of a friendly City Market employee), and by noon had already finished off a second bottle and found ourselves blindfolded on the couch.  Now, I know this may seem a bit suspicious, but mind you we had only artistic motives in mind.  In the past month, we have acquired 2 Filmos (cool hand-held cameras used in WWII), a sexy Bolex, 3 projectors of the 16mm and Super 16 persuasion, and an assortment of mystery film reels, most of which turned out to be training videos for Goodyear Tire from the 1950's.  

On this sunny and lazy Saturday morning, we blindfolded ourselves to practice loading the film into the Bolex.  Apparently, it wasn't entirely necessary to load the film in the dark, but for Joshua's purposes of testing the cameras, he wanted to leave as much film unexposed as possible.  There wasn't anyway I was going to be loading the films for reals, but that I just wanted to show off my sexy film-loading prowess to that film-loving man of mine.  Indeed, I did load the film quickly, and indeed he was impressed.  Mission accomplished.

Success!

What followed next was a fairly hilarious attempt to lock Joshua up in the closet while I taped up a sheet to the outside of the door to shut out the light.  About 25 minutes and a roll of duct tape later, I succeeded (kinda), and shuffled out the door for more booze and some Sun Chips while Joshua loaded his cameras.  The rest of our little staycation was spent lazily filming ourselves doing various boring things, but it was a lovely day well spent.